How could I have had everything and not be full? How could I still want more when I already had more than I ever had?
Maybe I didn’t want the kinds of marriages I was seeing all around me. Maybe I was afraid of being tied to the “wrong person when the right one comes along.” Maybe I hadn’t found someone good enough.
At one point, after I had shared with Joseph my struggles about a certain someone and how I kept on trying to surrender him to the Lord, he strongly encouraged me to write about “how to not fall with feelings.”
“I am always foil when it matters. Lord, I wish that just for once, I could be my first choice’s first choice.”
I started to ask myself, Is that all it is about? To keep on wanting and waiting for something new, different, and more each time? To keep on wanting relief from each moment of life that has become humdrum? Will nothing ever be enough?
I wanted something intense, something raw, something passionate and dramatic, something that was so good it exceeded all logical possibility. In short, I wanted something that did not exist. Or so I thought.
“But you don’t understand! He’s perfect! I know that one day, he could become a Christian, too! Maybe God is using me so he can get saved” Yeah, sure.
The sixty-something-year-old man comes in to answer his ringing phone, which he had left on the receptionist’s desk. Hmm, an iPhone 4, I observed.
He sees me standing there on the phone. Well, waiting for someone to pick up.
“Oh, are you calling me?” he teases, and he’s got an accent.
She slowly turns her face towards the window, and I catch a glimpse of her profile. Beautiful, definitely. Familiar, very.
The greatest battles that I have ever fought are the issues of my heart: I fall in love easily, stay in love far longer than I should, and get heartbroken more deeply than anyone knows.