Better is the end of a thing than the beginning thereof: and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit.
I and one of my closest friends, Dana, first started calling him”Blue Eyes,” because when I first told her about him, I didn’t want to say his real name. “Blue Eyes,” because I still have that little high school girl in me that creates code names for the guys I seriously like. “Blue Eyes,” because I thought he has blue eyes, but obviously I was wrong: it was just the reflection of light in his photo.
I first started noticing “Blue Eyes” in November of 2014. As I’ve said, it was a story of how he once prayed that made me take notice. Back then, it was nothing more than mere admiration as a friend.
June 2015 saw me finally admitting to myself that I had started to really like him. There had been more work opportunity to see his character, his personality, his ability to be responsible, his steadiness. In the past few months our friendship had not really grown, but remained steady.
October 2015. I was too busy praying for God’s wisdom with some other guys in my life, (especially when two asked to have dinner with me, and a third asked me to consider courtship, all on the same weekend) so I asked three of my closest girl friends to pray for Blue. I myself would only pray for Blue as a friend who wanted God’s best for his life.
February 2016. I had already been fervently praying for him the past two months. By praying, I mean talking to God about him, just like how I talk to girl friends about him. I talked about how he did something or said something, and how great I thought he was. I asked God to provide for anything he might need or want, and to bless the rest of his life. Most times I would pray that he would just like me back.
March 2016: I have finished praying for him.
The greatest battles that I have ever fought are the issues of my heart: I fall in love easily, stay in love far longer than I should, and get heartbroken more deeply than anyone knows. It’s a cycle that leads to exhaustion. So by the end of February, I had already started praying for mercy, finally, for myself, that God would get me out of this, just as He got me out of everything.
A little part of me knew that Blue was just another battle from the very beginning, but it didn’t make it any easier. I took the opportunity to pray for him, of course, in case he was going through something or needed a prayer warrior on his side. But there comes a time when as Christian woman, I have to decide to guard my heart, and not awaken it to love. I have to decide to put God first, again and again, and make my love for Him rooted, and deeper and deeper and deeper. I have to decide to keep my focus on Him and not see anything or anyone else around me. Blinkers on.
I spoke to the Lord about this decision that I wanted to make, and after praying about it for a few weeks, I confessed about Blue to a couple of girl friends while we were having a prayer meeting one Tuesday, not telling them of what I wanted to do. They so graciously prayed about him and me, unaware that already I was on the verge of letting go of him.
Wednesday morning saw me praying again, this time, a final prayer for Blue:
“Lord, one year of prayers for him and I know You heard them all. Maybe you just placed him in my heart so that I could pray for him fervently as he goes through something. Bless the rest of his life. Just make his ways straight, and give him success in every area of his life. He is a good man, Lord, and I praise You for him. Keep his heart pure. Provide him with a woman who will serve beside him.”
I thank the Lord for the opportunity to pray for him and whatever his struggles were, and I praise God who enables me to move on. God changes hearts, and He changes mine still. Sure, there is a little bit of a heartbreak. Heartbreaks happen. But God has used heartbreak, especially in the last few years, with me. He uses it to humble me, to break me, to make my heart soft again, ready for His molding.
Over this last week, I have been praying fervently because now I have to re-evaluate and re-position my decisions and values. Truthfully, there have been some things I have been doing only because I thought this would make Blue notice me. And in the last week, I have found that those things truly do not matter to me. There are some things that no longer hold interest in my eyes, and some things that I have already started to let go of. It is freeing, and it is great.
When you see me walking around, you’ll probably notice that I try to keep my eyes down, whenever I remember. “Blinkers on, heart steady, head low,” I’ll probably be thinking. It hurts a little bit, of course, when your heart has been made into mush again. But I love whenever this happens, because it means that God is doing something great again.
So what colour eyes does he have? What colour hair does he have? How old is he? Is he from church? Another church? Is he from work? Is he from Manila? Sydney? Perth? Melbourne? San Francisco?
What does he look like? What is his name? Who is he?
Does it still matter? Did it ever matter?
Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man.